This very quote that I found is one of those annoying quirks to myself that I can never conquer. Not only was I raised as an extremely literal person, I was also raised to be an planner and an analyzer. While like some of my family members I'm not the best at analyzing things, I'm better than just the average person. When it comes to being a planner I'm quite good at it, especially if I have to or want to be.
BUT, when is it a blessing, and when does it become a hindrance?
It's always good to have a life plan and to learn from our pasts so that we can have a better understanding of the future. It is good to understand ourselves so that we can always know just who we are and so we are comfortable with ourselves. There is no peace of mind when you are never sure of yourself and when you are constantly trying to figure out who you are. Although overall lately in my case it is more of a hindrance than a blessing.
I have a serious problem lately with analyzing the past and continually planning every next step and trying to understand every emotion that goes through me and why. I am easily frustrated with myself when I don't understand what is going on, or why things happen. I get very upset inside when plans do not go as planned or if there are bumps in the road that threaten plans that have been made. It tends to make a very unsettled, stressed out me. When I am stressed things will boil inside me. Now my natural temperance is to be calm, easy going, care free, fun loving, etc. But when that stress comes on and things just fall apart everything is much worse than it seems and I boil and boil and boil. To a point where I then explode! And after that happens there's just no reigning me back in. When I snap, I really snap and it just is not a pretty sight. I scream at volumes and pitches I've never taken my voice to before, I shake, and I just get crazy. Like those psycho people you see in movies all behind glass windows or barbed chain link fences.
The cure for this anal, controlling, freaky condition of mine? Simply to just go with the flow. Not to an extreme where I just don't care about anything and just do whatever i want but to a point I'm not stressed out to a point of a every other day melt down. It's just not healthy and it's definitely taking a toll on me.
This isn't me normally. Ever since I was young I was always a silly, loud, fun, loving, sweet girl and somewhere in the last couple of years I've lost that fun spark to myself and I miss it. I used to have all the personality in the world and now there are days where I just feel like a robot. There are those few and far between days where I catch hints of my silly self back but it never lasts long.So how do I learn to just accept arising conditions that change plans and to just be okay with them? How do I just not plan out every step to my day? I don't know, I'm not sure I will ever know but I'm sure going to try hard.
Following my gut feelings and my heart is a great place to start like I did when I was younger but it's going to be a rough process for me to learn how to redo that. It used to be such a natural thing for me, I never had to second guess myself, I never had to over think simple things, I just did it and I loved the outcome no matter what. Obviously now the older I am the bigger the consequences can be and the more life altering they can be as well.
I did however follow my heart and guts with Rob and I didn't plan it and I didn't analyze it. I just went with it and let what happened happen and it has come out to be one of the best things I could have ever done. One of THE hardest things but for sure one of the best. It came with it's trials and i'm positive there are more to come.
For the next few months I am going to try my hardest to be more accepting of things that just come up unexpectedly and to just open my arms to it, and adjust. I'm going to try to be even more flexible with my life than I already am for other people. I truly believe the more flexible I can be and the more available I make myself to other people, I can really make a difference in lives, in maybe even the community and possibly even bless some lives.
I need to somehow realize that I can not control everything around me. Things are going to happen, people are going to say or do things that bother me or just rub me the wrong way and I need to just be more accepting of it, to push outside of my comfort zone and get a little uncomfy with life for a bit. Learn how to just move right along and not let things pull me back from moving forward with life. Crap happens. It's all about how we deal with it. I could take any situation and turn it into the worst night of my life or I can suck it up and try my best to make things work and try to have a positive outcome.
While I can dwell and stress about the negative side to this post, I can also reverse this and make it a blessing because this stress and this anal need to control things into a blessing. It is what gives me my drive and it is what gets things done and what gets me places in life. If I didn' t have it I would not be where I am today and I would not be doing the things that I am doing.
So like everything in life it's just important to find that balance and to maintain it. Sometimes it will be a give and take, somedays one will be worse than the other, but that's life and we do the best we can.
Everything in life is good as long as it has a good balance. I hope to soon find it so I can try to find that fun life loving side to myself again and keep it around for more than a couple of good laughs in a morning or afternoon.
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